Isn’t it curious how two people can have such different views on the same event? Take marriage, for example. My husband Zack believed we were happily married, while I knew I wasn’t.
Our separate realities collided when I asked for a divorce on our thirtieth wedding anniversary, just two weeks after our youngest child moved out.
“You,” I told him. “Or rather, I am.”
Zack sat down heavily, still staring. “You’re divorcing me?
“Yes,” I repeated. “I’m divorcing you.”
“But why?” he cried, and I was surprised to see tears in his eyes. “I love you, Kelly, I always have, and I never cheated on you, not ever!”
“That’s true,” I said. “You never cheated and you never drank or gambled.”
One of the most important things in a relationship is to LISTEN to what the other person is really saying.
“But…Then why?” he asked angrily. “I did NOTHING and you’re divorcing me? Are you having an affair?”
“NO!” I cried. “I’m not! Do you want to know why I’m leaving you, Zack? I’ll tell you…” I walked right up to him and looked him in the eyes.
“I’m leaving you because you did NOTHING! When the children came and I was holding a full-time job and coming home to do the housework alone, you did NOTHING.
“When I was so ill I could barely get out of bed, you did NOTHING; when my father died and I was devastated by grief, you did NOTHING; when I went through menopause and had depression, you did NOTHING.
“When I was so sad that our two oldest children left home, you did NOTHING. You never brought me a flower just to say you loved me, you never stood up for me when your mother was so mean to me.
“That time I twisted my ankle and I could barely walk, I had to get out of bed at 6:00 am and fix breakfast — and you lay there snoring and did NOTHING. Nothing seems to be what you do best!”
“You never told me!” Zack cried with an injured look on his face.
“I told you every time I asked for your help,” I said. “Every time I snuggled up for a kiss and you were more interested in what was on TV. I told you when I begged for your love and attention, for romance.
“I told you five years ago when I asked you to go to couples therapy with me and you refused because there was NOTHING wrong and you were happy.”
“We can go now,” Zack said hopefully. “Set up the appointment and I’ll come!”
“Of course, now that you see me determined to leave,” I commented. “But you don’t actually care enough to go look for a therapist and set up the appointment yourself.”
“Please, Kelly,” Zack begged. “Please give me a chance to make you happy!”
I stared at him and a deep sadness welled up in my heart. I shook my head. “At any time in the last thirty years, I would have given anything to hear you say those words.
“Now I look at you and all I feel is sadness — and pity. You’ve never bothered to make me happy before Zack, and honestly, I’m not wasting one more day of my life on you.”
The next day, I moved out and found a charming little apartment in Venice Beach, ready to start fresh. I sold my car and began cycling everywhere, even to work.
